Congratulations Vending Machine Bandit!

Your tools: a sledgehammer and a pair of bandanas.

Your rate of success: prodigious.

You’re the best damn vending machine bandit in the northeastern seaboard and there’s no question. You’ve been through sixteen vending machines in the last four days and all you really do is smash them up and rip all the candy out of them before you smash ‘em up a little more but damned if it doesn’t work wonders.

Some men would take all that candy and stuff their fat faces or try to sell it in high schools, where candy can fetch a high price. Some men would take all their ill-gotten gains and go try to retire somewhere in Europe where vending machines don’t get robbed, but then they’d get greedy and try to pull one last big job where they’d end up getting shot up real bad by European vending machine cops who don’t know how to appropriately use force to subdue vending machine bandits. Some men would just leave the candy on the ground where anyone can take it, even if the people who take it are the kind of evil fucks who don’t deserve any candy, people like CEOs and hedge fund managers who would destroy candy forever if they thought it would make them a little richer.

But you, you grab all that candy and pack it into white trash bags (so the sun doesn’t make it too hot.) Then you drive to various nearby orphanages and you leave the candy, anonymously, under cover of nights, for kids to eat the next day or for nuns to distribute among kids if the orphanage is run by nuns or something. You make sure to pick out all the gross stuff, like Combos and apples, before you leave it.

Today you’re going to pull an especially big job, one that would’ve gotten the Feds on your ass if they gave a shit about vending machine banditry. And you’re going to drop all that candy with the biggest group of orphans of all: the United States Marine Corps.

“Thanks for the candy, mister,” one of the Marines on duty will shout at you as you drive away, waving furiously after you.

You’ll let a single tear fall from your eye as you drive away. That’s all you’ll allow yourself, though, before you start planning the next job.

Congratulations Vending Machine Bandit!