Congratulations on Explaining Everything to the Judge!

Following your victory at Hammer Tag yesterday you’re going to begin the traditional “assault hearing following victory at Hammer Tag” portion of the game. This process was kicked off yesterday when your neighbors called in a noise complaint and found you standing in your backyard holding a hammer next to your dad, who was holding a gun, above your brother, who was bleeding profusely from the head. The officer really get anything you said about “Hammer Tag” and didn’t seem to care when you showed him your liability waivers, so you ended up in temporary holding pending a hearing to determine the scope of wrongdoing and whether or not your brother wants to press charges.

The trial will begin sharply at 10:15 in the AM, an ungodly hour for any god-fearing individual. It will begin with the judge reading off a list of the charges, which consist mostly of “talking about Hammer Tag” and “beating your brother with a hammer.” He’ll then open the floor to evidence. Your dad will bring the waivers that you and your brother signed to the floor and the judge will look at them. He’ll then ask your brother to come to the stand.

He’ll acquiesce, head wrapped in a bandage still stained with his own blood. After a barrage of question, which the headwound will make answering problematic, he’ll black out briefly before being rushed out of the courtroom to receive medical attention. The judge will then review the documents, pinch the bridge of his nose, look at you and ask one final question.

“Why?” he’ll ask in a tired, reedy voice.

You’ll shrug. “It’s the best,” you’ll say. “Plus FREEDOM!”

The judge will shake his head and stamp your form. Then he’ll slide a copy to you and ask you to leave his courtroom. You’ll emerge into the fresh air and inhale deeply. It will, indeed, taste like freedom. You’ll squeeze your pappy’s hand and head off to the hospital, where you’ll meet your brother for the awkward, final chapter of Hammer Tag: the “Holding Your Injured Brother’s Hand While He Tries to Remember How to Write Finale of Hammer Tag: Sponsored by Doritos.”

Congratulations on Explaining Everything to the Judge!

Congratulations on Bringing Back th Super Bowl Shuffle!

Today and today only you’re William “Refrigerator” Perry. Life’s been hard for you for the last decade or two, and it’s been going downhill ever since you stopped appear on various Fox shows with “celebrity” in the title, but today it’s going to get better.

While attempting to sell some of the G.I. Joes made in your image on e-Bay to various nerds and hipsters so that you can make your credit card payments this month you’ll stumble on to a website called You-tube. On You-tube users will be able to share and watch streaming videos of almost anything.

Since you’re still a huge narcissist at heart the first thing you’ll type in is your famed Super Bowl Shuffle to see if anyone’s posted a video. What you’ll discover is a bevy of gangly white teens emulating your once graceful dance to Super Bowl fame.

You’ll run out of the coffee shop to a nearby payphone where you’ll contact your lawyer, leaving him a panicked voicemail about a potential intellectual property suit. He’ll send you an email the next day informing you that while your retainer is used up he’d gladly take the case as long as he receives fifty percent of any awards.

You’ll assent without hesitation and the two of you will begin suing kids who just wanted to videotape themselves dancing until you’re financially solvent and the national news has begun to cover your avaricious lawsuit with all the intent of a shark circling its prey. This will in turn trigger a brief resurgence in the popularity of your song and increased sales of said song on i-Tunes and in various vinyl shops specializing in the resale of novelty records. Within three months the entire thing will have faded from the national news, and you’ll return to total obscurity.

So will begin and end your brief return to cultural relevancy.

Congratulations on Bringing Back the Super Bowl Shuffle!