Congratulations on Capturing Leslie Feist in a Crystal!

It’ll begin, as all things pertaining to Leslie Feist do, with an incantation.

We’d print the incantation here, but we’d prefer it doesn’t get out, because it not only contains within it the framework by which any creature can be contained, bound into service most foul and infinitely fair, but also references Leslie Feist’s true name, necessary to bind her into service. We would be remiss to reproduce such information, as it would make grievous oversteps of mortal authority such as yours commonplace. Even though we could certainly use the hits, we’re not going to subject a being as magnificent as Leslie Feist to that ilk of bullshit.

Once the incantation is completed Leslie Feist will be standing before you within the circle of sealing. Stripped of her glamour she will stand before you as she truly is: twelve feet tall, skin glowing magnificently. Her wings will long to stretch outside the circle, but its limits will force them into a sphere’s containment until she manages to furl them and wrap them around herself. She’ll shiver, naked, the heat of her own inner fire rendered distant by your efforts.

“What do you wish?” she’ll rasp, voice also severed by the circle.

“Get in this crystal for my girlfriend!” you’ll shout at her. She’ll wince, leaning her body away as if she would do anything she could to escape her fate. But she won’t be able to, and like sand in the breeze she’ll shift rapidly, molecule by molecule, towards the crystal, tapering down and filtering into it. When the process is done the circle will be obliterated, the salt woven into her being, into the crystal. Her face will not appear within its facets, her voice will not echo from its depths. The only hint at what it contains will be an unearthly glow, the glow that is all that this world will be able to see of Leslie Feist so long as she remains contained within that crystal.

You’ll pick up the stone, which will be warm to the touch, and pocket it. You’ll leave the windowless study room on the fourth floor of Macalester College’s library whistling to yourself, imagining how psyched your girlfriend will be to have a stone containing the essence of Leslie Feist. You won’t be able to imagine her staying angry at you for cheating on her with her roommate.

Turns out you’ll be totally wrong about the anger allaying effects of a crystal containing Leslie Feist, and your girlfriend (ex-girlfriend, really) will freak out and throw the stone to the ground, cracking it and allowing Leslie Feist to escape from it in a glittering cavalcade of light. She’ll emerge full of rage, not only for what you’ve done to her but what you’ve done to your girlfriend.

By the end, you will beg for death, but your ex-girlfriend will have Leslie Feist’s autograph and an awesome story of bonding with her over your slow, painful end, so that’ll be pretty boss for her.

Congratulations on Capturing Leslie Feist in a Crystal!

Congratulations on Singing!

This is far from set in stone, but we received a very polite call from a very sick girl (a certain indie darling named Leslie Feist) who asked us to put together a large, pleasant event. Since we normally tell you how everything you love is going to one day die and how everything you do is not only meaningless but senseless and horrible we really didn’t want to. But then she sang, and the people who didn’t want to have sex with her lapsed into deep comas from which they could not awake and, ergo, could not vote on today’s topic.

So today we’re not telling any of you how you’re doomed and going to get fucked in the mouth by an unwashed homeless man. Today we’re telling you to go a mall and sing.

Sing at the top of your lungs and just shout. If you live in a place without any readily available malls just stand outside of strip malls and sing at the top of your lungs. Those without strip malls should opt to stand near supermarkets and scream punk lyrics at the top of their lungs.

Regardless of talent or schooling we high recommend that you sing that the top of you lungs tomorrow in a public place. If you don’t we predict a high chance that Leslie Feist will never have sex with you.

Congratulations on Singing!