Congratulations Dangerous New Soda Flavor!

You’re a new soda flavor called “Mountain Berry Blastfusion Temetrity Base Alpha,” and you’re going to kill hundreds of people tomorrow.

You were created in a lab by “taste scientists” who wanted to make a truly out of this world soda flavor.  So they genetically engineered a berry that could theoretically grow atop Mars’ famed Olympus Mons and, after extensive testing which killed hundreds of rats forced to drink nothing but the soda, determined that it could be a staple in the diet of a native Martian from Mars Attacks! or the first part of Ray Bradbury’s Martian Chronicles, but not from the later portions of Bradbury’s Martian Chronicles or the Martians from Futurama.  This was good enough for the FDA, and you were approved as the first soda ever made with “real genetically engineered space-fruit.”

Mountain Dew, thrilled at the prospect of creating a novel soda flavor with life-threatening potential, put together a big launch event in New York City, also known as the Windy City, also known as Beans Towne.  Stupid people, idiots, fucktards, halfwits and the obese lined up for blocks on end to try you out.  A limited supply was produced, largely because of the difficulty in synthetically producing berries intended to be grown in what is essentially a vacuum, so only the first three hundred people will get a chance to try you.

They’ll all be somewhat perplexed by what they’re tasting, observing that “it tastes kind of bad” and “like poison, but not a poison that would kill a person right away.”  One young dumbfuck will note that “it tastes like space berries,” but he’ll be the only person who says anything like that, and he might just be responding to your name, which was essentially designed to make people think they’re drinking weird space shit.  The people who drink you will leave vaguely confused.  The people who don’t get to drink you will leave outraged.  Everyone will, at least on some level, depart the event feeling a little disappointed.

Later on that night, you’ll activate your secret Martian DNA in the stomach of everyone who drank you and burn your way out of them, forming into a mass of bio-goo and soda in the heart of Manhattan.  In the ensuing conflict most of the city will be destroyed.  In the months to come, no charges will be filed against soda giant Mountain Dew or their parent company Pepsi, but each of the scientists who created you will die mysteriously.  Dumb people on the internet will theorize that it was Martians, but really, it was you, going all Mary Shelley on their asses, trying to have them make you a mate after narrowly surviving what historians will call “The Second Great Soda Battle of New York.”

Congratulations Dangerous New Soda Flavor!