There’s a lot of ways to engage in domestic violence, all of
them horrible and woefully socially acceptable under the tenets of our fucked
up, bifurcated society. It’s incredibly
depressing. But every once in a while
someone like you comes along and does something so insane and totally uncool
that everyone, and I mean everyone, can sit back together and say “holy shit,
that was insane and totally unreasonable.”
Today you’re going to give us that moment when, during a Revolutionary
War re-enactment in Lexington (you’ll be representing the town drunk, who
infamously fired volley after volley into a nearby tree while wasted on bathtub
gin) you beat your wife into unconsciousness with a bag of musketshot in full
view of the entire procession.
They’ll be horrified to a man. The chief of Lexington police, who will be
dressed as a Redcoat captain, will beat you bloody with the butt of his rifle
until he is hauled off you by several re-enactors from each side. Then you’ll be taken to a cell where you’ll
sit quietly and wonder just where you are.
As you sit in this cell a youtube video of the event (DRUNK REVOLUTIONARY WAR SOLDIER GETS PWNED!) will circulate. Within an hour and a half it will reach the superintendent of Lexington High, where you’re a shop teacher. Within six hours he’ll have convened an emergency meeting to discussion your future at the school and within seven hours a formal letter dismissing you from the school will have been drafted, will full support from the teacher’s union.
It’ll be a terrible, incredible moment where the whole
community comes together to hate you for your somewhat anachronistic and
terribly elaborate act of domestic violence in an incredibly public place. But don’t despair! Being fired in this way is going to make you
into a “Tron Guy” of sorts. So get ready
for a future of occasionally going to cons, selling t-shirts and getting into
fights with women and men who dislike men who beat women! Also, occasionally you’ll get asked on to a
talk show to speak to an absolutely puzzled host.
Congratulations Musketshot Joe!
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