Congratulations Bacteria!

The pole where you live is constantly being invaded by hands.  Dozens upon dozens of hands, hundreds really, groping it and grappling it and fucking with you and your family and your land.  Today’s the day you strike back.

Today you’re going to, through several generations of meiosis, evolve a reflex that allows you and your offspring to aggressively overcome white blood cells and essentially attack key organs in the human body, effectively consuming them through an internal transmission within the vascular system of your victims.  All they’ll need to do is touch their mouth, nose or eyes after touching your pole and then BAM!  Disease will become a thing.

Within a week, half of new York will be infected.  Within two weeks, a quarter of those infected will be dead.  Within a month, the media will begin telling everyone in the world that New York is under the thrall of “pole fever.”  People will chuckle, but a significant portion of the city that never sleeps will, by this point, be dead because of you and your offspring.

You’ll be more or less dealt within in about three months when a cocktail of antibiotics finally cracks your unique code and annihilates you completely, but by that time you’ll have killed well over four million people in a matter of months.  And yet you still won’t have been the least pleasant thing about riding the subway in New York.

Congratulations Bacteria!