Congratulations Incarcerated Pit Bull Mathematician!

You know how yesterday it seemed like things just couldn’t get worse? Well today, while you’re on the bus to go pick up the last of your things on campus, a child is going to start taunting you on the bus. He’s gonna be poking and prodding and petting you in all the wrong ways and when you finally snap and bite him it will decidedly not be your fault.

But the court will not agree. America’s insanely intolerant court system doesn’t seem to appreciate that sometimes kids deserve to be bitten by dogs, and its failure to see this will put you, one of the most brilliant mathematicians in American history, behind bars. Really, behind a chain link fence in a kennel where you’ll await execution until your ex-wife, who happens to be a lawyer, comes in and represents you during your appeals case, which will be a civil rights landmark case justifying the biting of children by dogs.

Your ex-wife will also have one last quickie with you after you’re free, which the press will somehow learn about, so despite this career making case she’ll be disgraced for years to come. Because it’s one thing to be instrumental in a truly singular supreme court case, but it’s entirely another to do anything even a little bit weird, sex wise, with a dog who happens to be your husband.

Congratulations Incarcerated Pit Bull Mathematician!

Congratulations Pit Bull Mathematician!

The tenure review board will barely wait for you to sit down. They’ll begin speaking while you finish your second meandering circle. You’ll rush to hit the floor to show respect and your leg will twitch in frustration.

“We fear,” the review board chair will announce, “that we cannot provide tenure to someone of such…distinct physical characteristics.”

You’ll bark in rage, then start speaking.

“But the papers I’ve written and co-written-“

“Holy shit, a talking dog,” one of the tenure review board members will mumble even as the chair interrupts you anew.

“We’re well aware of your contributions to the field. We weighed all of these matters quite seriously during our discussions, but we cannot allow-“

You’ll bark, hopping up to your feet as you do so and silencing the tenure review chair instantly.

“This is blatant discrimination! I could sue you! This could be a landmark case for superintelligent lab animals discriminated against in academic settings! This is a travesty!”

“Down boy!” the tenure review chair will shout, drawing gasps from his fellow board members. Silence will fall upon the room. Your tail will be completely still.

“It’s clear, then, what I have to do next. Good day, sirs and madams. Good day.”

You’ll trot back out the door past security, a part of you glimmering even as the devastation of another tenure denial sinks in. Because even though it’s awful to have to deal with racism, this time you’ve got a bundle of witnesses and a strong chance at a discrimination suit. Now you just have to keep your nose clean and lawyer up.

Congratulations Pit Bull Mathematician!