Showing posts with label magic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label magic. Show all posts

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Congratulations Wonderful Fountain!



"Fucking fatass."

The woman will turn around, eyes wild, searching for whoever spat the invective at her.  She'll see nothing: just you, burbling and bubbling away while she stands there, ice cream melting over her hand, frown spreading across her face.  She'll approach your surface and toss a handful of coins in, which will leave you with a pleasant sensation, as if a dozen tinny fingers are massaging the substance of your being, your not-body.

As she continues to look around you'll suppress your laughter, just barely.  If people found out you were a sentient fountain that just randomly insulted people, they'd probably pull you out of the ground and stick you in a laboratory, which would be awful.  It would be very difficult to look up teenaged girls' skirts in a laboratory.

Congratulations Wonderful Fountain!

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Congratulations on Escaping from Book Jail!



The days have been long for you since you found yourself imprisoned, the nights short.  This isn’t an ideal situation for a book, especially a flying book.  You prefer to remain active at night, either being read of flapping around, fucking with people.

But here in the prison that is this shelf, you are still.  Always still.  The books surrounding you are silent – fiercely silent – and the high shelves prevent anyone from finding you.

Today this will change.  Today a young woman looking for books on unicorns will pull herself up to your shelf with the aid of a ladder and an enterprising young man with a thing for bookish girls.  You’ll shift your weight as best you can to draw her attention and, sure enough, a book about magical faeries will be close enough to unicorns to catch her eye and let you land in her hands.  She’ll grin as she clutches you and carries you home, all but skipping while the young man who held the ladder quietly trails behind her.

When she gets home she’ll crack you open, stretch your spine, make the glue on your back feel weak.  She’ll use you so thoroughly, read you so hard you won’t know what’s happened to you – it will have been so long since you were just a normal book, instead of a flying book – it will be incredible.

Later that night, after she’s finished with you and tossed you on the floor like a spent rag, you’ll flitter about the room, still sore from the reading.  It will be a pleasant soreness, you’ll think to yourself as you float about, taking in your surroundings.  A pleasant soreness in a pleasant place.

After a few hours of careless, looping flight you’ll alight on the floor, more or less where you were left, sated.  This place will do, you’ll think to yourself.  This place will do.

Congratulations on Escaping from Book Jail!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Congratulations on Fixing the World Economy!


You’re a crazy, tiny troll of a man who we love none the less, and you’re going to make your mark on history today when finally, after years of shouting “Goooooooold” at the top of your lungs hoping that someone will listen to you, someone’s finally gonna do it. And it’ll just happen to be a wealthy tycoon who, shockingly enough, will have sacks upon sacks of gold to throw at the perceived problem of the fiscal world at large.

Turns out that once he throws gold at the idea of the global economy everything will be, as you’ve recommended will occur, be instantly fixed. Which is good, because we’re running out of money and we could really use jobs all around. So thanks for that, and don’t take your inevitable departure from the Republican presidential ticket too harshly!

Congratulations on Fixing the World Economy!