Congratulations on Making a Living Kool-Aid Man!

You’re a mad scientist. But there’s no business in warfare anymore, we’ve gotten most of the crazy fucking science there done already. No, what we’re interested in having amoral, brilliant quacks work on now is advertising!

You specifically deal in making living, breathing corporate mascots. It keeps costs down and allows for children to literally play with a creature who, despite the perpetual agony of their existence and the hellish torture that each second of life represents for them, will smile and reinforce brand synergy without ever asking for a day off.

Also, it’s kind of amusing.

Today you’re going to reach the pinnacle of your career: you’re going to make a living, breathing Kool-Aid Man. He’ll awake in a start, gasping for air. He’ll looking around the room in a panic with eyes welded to the side of the his head for several minutes before opening his mouth, coughing several times and summoning the power of speech to say:

“Kill… Me…”

You won’t. Instead you’ll pour morphine into the top of his head, enough to knock him out, and check your agenda to see the next interesting project on your list. Nothing will really strike you as challenging after this, though, which will really bum you out.

Congratulations on Making a Living Kool-Aid Man!

Congratulations on Gooing Green!

Today you’re another more successful super-villain with greater aspirations than stealing shitloads of money from people who didn’t have very much to begin with. Today you’re a man in a lab coat with a purpose: turning all birds on the planet into giant sentient killing machines.

To this end you’ll have acquired a hefty grant from the NSF, a fully funded lab at UCLA and number of space-chemicals known to most people as “chemical X,” or variations thereof. Since there are like...seven of them there really isn’t a definitive name for them all, but trust me, most of them have names. But those names don’t sound anywhere near as cool as chemical X, so it’s fair to describe them all with that phrase. You’ll spend months combining chemical X ingredients in different proportions before spraying it on birds.

Sometimes the results will be promising, with the birds mutating into weird shapes and getting super aggressive before dying, but most of the time the birds will just die right away.

But you only need to succeed once, and that’s exactly what will happen for you. One day in your lab you’ll feed a tiny canary a little bit of blue powder made from just the right amount of the ingredients in chemical X, and it’ll explode the shit out of itself. It’ll grow from canary to condor in seconds and it’ll have row after row of razor sharp teeth and talons like knives.

You’ll reel back from it in horror, sure that it plans on taking revenge for your hubris-filled antics, but it’ll just lower its head and nuzzles you gently, cooing at you. After a few seconds of bladder-emptying terror your brain will start to function again and you’ll notice that the bird is just looking at you, puzzled.

You’ll reach up your hand and pet its peak, gently at first, then more forcefully until it coos with delight. After a few cautious, almost flirtatious minutes you’ll have it nuzzling your hand, squawking at you like you’re it’s mommy.

Delighted you’ll call in your lab assistant, Caleb, and have him start drafting up some grants for a distribution method for the powder. But even if you have to feed it to ever bird in the world personally you’ll already have accomplished your goal: coming up with a method of green transport that can, properly wielded, wipe out the entire human race in a matter of months.

Congratulations on Going Green!