Congratulations on Approving Giant Gay Robot Marriage, America!

Look, we don’t much understand fancy things like laws or book learning or how them potater chips become poops inside our tum tums. But we do understand that there’s nothing Jesus likes more than a penis going into a vagina.

The bible is obsessed with that shit.  Everybody’s doing it every other page, and Jesus is constantly offering his critiques.  He’s telling guys to fuck their daughters, screaming at them not to pull out, shouting more, more, more fucking.  God damnit, more fucking.  Have a thousand wives, sell your children into sexual slavery, rape your neighbors after you’ve defeated them in a war.  The bible is basically a long love letter to how important it is to always be sticking your P into a V, even if you’ve got to break some pretty serious psycho-social eggs along the way.

But does America listen to that?  No.  That’s why today, a few weeks after the Supreme Court issued some highly limited decisions about how gay people’s right to stick it into each other in a committed, miserable relationship like straight people can, the unthinkable will happen: America (collectively, that is to say you) will approve (tacitly or otherwise) acts of homosexual congress (that is to say, sexual congress, similar to the sort of actions proposed and carried out by individuals such as Prince in a heterosexual context) between giant robots (similar to the robots portrayed in the smash summer hit movie Pacific Rim!) and other giant robots and/or monsters of the same sex.  That’s right, America.  You just approved of giant robots fucking.

“What if I don’t want to watch giant robots fuck,” you ask?  Tough shit, they’re fucking huge, good luck not seeing that.

“What if I shut my windows and don’t listen?”  The screeching of metal groin on metal buttock will cut through your walls like they aren’t even there.

“What if I’m into it?”  I bet you are pervert.

“Wait, how do two robots fuck?”  We’re actually not entirely sure.

“Would you like to watch two robots fuck together?”  I guess, I mean, would that make us gay.

Let’s find out!

Congratulations on Approving Giant Gay Robot Marriage, America!

Congratulations Giant Robot in Love!

When you see it, you’ll venture across the entire city (a whole three steps) to get up next to it.  The building of your dreams will be there, a sterile pillar reaching towards the heavens.  You’ll reach your hand up and gently stroke it.

“Hey baby,” you’ll murmur at the building which, being a building, will not respond in any way and will instead simply sit there, silently. You’ll interpret this continued state of building-ness as consent and initiate mating protocols.

“Alriiiight,” you’ll say to no one in particular before mounting the building and beginning to grind your crotch against the building.  A groaning sound will erupt from the structure under your weight, and the people around the building, who will already be trying to flee wildly, will begin to be struck by various bits of debris as the building topples under your amorous movements.

Scraps of steel will strike the earth, crushing the panicked mass of humanity who will desperately look to the sky, as if their collective gaze will shield them from a steel rain.  Hundreds will die, which is par for the course for you (as a giant robot you murder people simply by walking around) but what will really depress you is that the building, which you thought was so beautiful and perfect, won’t return your romantic gestures at all.  It’ll be enough to make the fusion reactor you have in place of a heart ache a little with radioactive pulses.

Congratulations Giant Robot in Love!