Congratulations Sally McNally!

You’re pretty. Real pretty. The prettiest girl in your whole gul-dern high school. And that’s a good thing, because the people in your high school are bitches one and all. If you weren’t so pretty they’d rip your shit up and down and leave you weeping on a daily basis, but because you’re so fine you avoid the bulk of the shit people get outside your world.

Well today it’s going to come crashing through when you wake up and, for the first time ever, do not look super fine. Gazing into your mirror you’ll see that your normally shimmering eyes look glassy and dull today. Your skin will hang a little bit loose and your lips will be flat. You’ll even have bags under your eyes.

“What happened?” you’ll ask your mirror, puzzled by the cruelty of the world.

LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENED, BITCH!

You’ll do your best to dab on make-up, but it won’t work. What follows will be a harrowing experience at school. People who normally look up to you will avoid eye contact. Even the dorks and dweebs will turn away from your kind smiles, your pariahdom will be so imminent. At one point a boy with a mo-hawk will drop a pencil down the back of your pants while his friend attempts to throw paper balls into your blossoming cleavage.

“What’s wrong with you?” you’ll shout at them, tears welling in your eyes while the rest of your high school looks away, unwilling to inform you that this is actually quite normal in our horrid world.

You see, the world is what’s wrong with those boys, and your old life is part of that world. Your bubble, your lovely perfect life, all of it made their horror possible. Because while you were living with your head in the clouds and birds circling you as you danced through the woods these guys were getting burned with hangers by their moms and beaten by their dads. And your happy little life made them seem weird and made it less than okay to get help.

So today you’re going to see the world for what it is, and you’re going to cry to your parents and you’re going to end up on Zoloft, which means you’ll end up fucking up your college applications and only getting into Cornell. Sucks to be you.

Congratulations Sally McNally!

Congratulations on Saving the Cheerleader!

Today, following the message of Heroes, you’re going to save a cheerleader in a small Texas town from her gang rape at the hands of a football team. It’ll all be going down after a big game where they lost against Rival School, and they’ll be all pissy, claiming they didn’t get the cheers they needed to win. In their minds vengeance against women is the only possible solution (they’re from Texas).

You’ll show up and step out of your dusty and beleaguered Toyota Camry, hammer in hand, just where and when that gypsy told you to be. You’ll tighten your grip as you see the men closing around the terrified girl and you’ll charge in without a word as you see them undoing their pants and masturbating while staring at each other.

Your arrival will trigger a combination of homosexual panic and confusion in them that will lead to them “turtling” both physically and emotionally, leaving you to wail on them with that hammer. The few who stand will be pummeled first, their skulls ruptured by the hammer’s head. They won’t know how to fight against someone who isn’t in pads and is actually trying to kill them, so most team members will just curl up in a ball on the ground and hope for you to leave.

But you’ll kill every last kinda-gay one of them. And when you hold out your hand to the cheerleader, covered in blood and brains and other vile, vile fluids that the body releases upon being beaten with a hammer, she’ll scream. She’ll scream at you and run away, just like every other girl you’ve ever known. But you know you did right by her and that she’s just kind of a bitch, so you’ll muster the courage that you never have with other women and shout after her sarcastically.

“You’re welcome!”

Congratulations on Saving the Cheerleader!