Guano, or “bat milk” as some might call it, is fast coming
in to high demand with molecular gastronomy enthusiasts and rich idiots in
general. Assholes have been serving it
up and wolfing it down from the upper west side of Manhattan to the lower east
side of Manhattan, paying as much as fifty dollars for a plate of bat shit
enriched with some weird fucking stuff that literally kills the bats that eat
it.
People will pay bank for things that make them violently
ill, so long as those things are hard to come by. And you, enterprising young person you are,
are going to try your damnedest to make a living selling these idiots the shit
they so monomaniacally crave.
Today you’re going to open up Manhattan’s first Bat
Farm. Taking the title “Lead Bat Herder,”
you’ll trap hundreds of bats in an old closed off subway tunnel and feed them
toxic chemicals and slimes of questionable nutritional value until they begin
to drop dead within the tunnel. Then you’ll clean the floor once a day and
serve the mix of bat excrement and corpse to various rich idiots who will line
up for blocks to buy it.
Within a day and a half, you’ll have killed nearly three
dozen bats and harvested almost three thousand dollars in bat shit. And, following your first sale, two days from
now, you’ll be indicted for reckless endangerment and criminal mischief. Your profit-mongering business model will
kill ninety percent of your clientele and the remaining few will also open up
civil suits against you for medical and psychological damages.
When word gets to you in your underground lair which, for
copyright reasons, cannot be called The Bat Cave although that would be
perfect, you’ll immediately prepare to flee.
But not before you write out a long, poorly worded letter blaming the
various woes that have befallen you on Obama who, as we all know, has the power
to communicate with all flying creatures, bats more than any other.
Congratulations Bat Herder!
