Thanks to you we now have new ways to define failure and fault in relationships. There are a lot of them (your wife was Catholic and she put up with way too much) so we’re going to list a few of the more work-safe items from your docket in bullet points.
- Repeated and creative abuse of animals, both sexually and platonically
- Excessive use of air horn in bedroom
- Refusal to stop talking about Elijah Wood
- Gross overuse of the term “spunk”
- Wolverines (self-explanatory)
- Insistence on role playing scenes from the film Red Dawn without clear character boundaries
- Felony arson
- Severely unpleasant odor wafting from your genitals
- You slept with her sister
They’re not all completely new, but you definitely set new ground in all of them. Now get out there and hit the clubs again. Here’s a pick-up line you can use:
“Hey. Ever do it with a court precedent?”
Its not very good, but you’re a terrible husband and a sub-par lover so you don’t really deserve any tail.
And congratulations on becoming a benchmark of what it means to fail. It will be your single greatest contribution to society.
Showing posts with label Elijah Wood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Elijah Wood. Show all posts
Sunday, December 14, 2008
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