Congratulations on Ripping the Shit Out of That Bill!

Sometimes you just have to do something crazy, something that breaks all the rules. It can be something big or something small. Today you’re going to opt into the biggest of the big gestures: you’re going to sit down at your kitchen table, look deep into that Disney Club Membership Bill, and you’re going to tear it right in half. Then you’re going to take the scraps and tear them again, then again, then a fourth time until you have sixteen little bill bits in your hands.

Then you’ll grab the membership card itself and try to tear that in half. You’ll flex it and twist it, trying to shear it in half, grinning and sweating all the while. In the end you’ll less tear the card in half then crease and bend it beyond use, which won’t be quite as satisfying as ripping up the bill, but these things happen.

Some people would’ve just called to cancel their membership. Some people would’ve thrown the whole letter away. But you took a stand against the Disney Corporation. And thanks to the cameras that Walt Disney installed in every American home starting in the 30s, his frozen head will have seen all of it. And boy will he ever be pissed. You made a powerful gesture today.

Congratulations on Ripping the Shit Out of That Bill!

Congratulations Rhyming Bureau!

Most talking furniture gets cush (pun intended!) jobs in Disney flicks, advising princesses about their first period and singing vaguely racist songs about the topic of the day. But it’s tough for furniture made by African American people, especially when that furniture is a utilitarian, but still attractive, bureau.

You paid your dues, certainly. Went to college, worked a string of dull jobs before quitting and trying to make your way with your craft (standup comedy). It didn’t work out, but you kept at it, making ends meet while chasing your dream, and you’ve established a reputation as a performer in the furniture community. But no one who really employs talking furniture is interested in anyone with quite as “ethnic” as shtick as yours. Enter Funny or Die.

Funny or Die is where weird shit goes to make its dreams come true. Today your dream is going to be part of that weird shit, and it’s going to be glorious. One of the production assistants for FoD is going to call you to put you in a video about black-stereotype princesses parodying the Disney films you spent years attempting to be a part of. You’re going to jump for joy (shift a few inches, really) and then get your buddy who owns a moving company to drive you to the reading. You’ll blow them away and within a few months you’ll begin a brief, moderately successful career as an internet comedian. Then you’ll pull a Chad Carter and switch from being an obscure performer to being a director who occasionally makes cameos in various videos, establishing yourself forever in the collective unconscious as “that bureau.”

Congratulations Rhyming Bureau!