Congratulations on Saving the President!

There are lots of great ways to end up in the history books.  You can invent something cool, make an awesome pair of shoes, or become part of an esoteric order of future predicting semi-employed emotional retards who post predictions on the internet.  You can also assassinate a president.

None of those are for you, though.  You’re a hero.  You’re a great hero, the kind we all too often ignore in our daily lives.  You’re the kind of hero who makes a difference just by doing what you do.

In this case, you’re going to take your 3 PM shit just outside of the construction site where you work in Washington, DC.  It’ll be a medium sized shit (from a breakfast sandwich and a medium coffee from Dunkin Donuts – you usually don’t get to eat lunch until after 4) and it’ll be refreshing to expel it from your bowels.  But just as you finish pooping your buddy Gary, who knows you’re fucking his wife, will take out his rage on you by using a crane to knock the port-a-potty you’re in over.  He’ll hit it just right, just below the center of mass, so it’ll kick up in the air a little and flip, end over end, down the street, where it will collide with one James Franko (no relation), an obscure white supremacist who was conspiring to assassinate President Obama and, given the opportunity, would’ve probably succeeded.

Franko will be paralyzed, and when the police show up to book you for unintentional toilet assault (Gary will be an accessory) they’ll discover that Franko had a loaded pistol and very detailed assassination plans on his person.  This will lead to the charges against you being dropped and Gary getting okay with you fucking his wife, at least for a few more weeks.  After that he’ll write you a letter to set up some ground rules, since things just won’t be able to go on the way they have in the past, even after you’ve become an unsung hero.  Gary just can’t deal with that emotionally.

Congratulations on Saving the President!