Monday, November 25, 2013

Congratulations Thousands of Mites!



Your collective mass contains multitudes: not simply a single pulsing intellect but a mass thereof, a driving chaotic force that accelerates as a single entity.  It would be a remarkable thing to behold if it wasn't for the fact that your particular pulsating intellect-mass is entirely dedicated to two things: laying eggs and biting people on and around their genitals.

You're a mass of mites, possessed, through an irregularity of evolution, of a single hive mind.  You live in the pubic hair of one young woman, named Shawna.  Shawna, while a kind enough soul, doesn't care much for personal grooming, so your existence will, for the most part, be danger free: no risk of being uprooted or killed en-masse by some sort of hygenic experiment.

Well, no risk until today.

Some backstory: Shawna met a young man named Forbit a few weeks ago.  Shawna and Forbit struck up a relationship and fell madly in love with one another but Shawna, who was used to having a truly remarkable mass of pubic hair, wasn't getting her downstairs taken care of by the hair-averse Forbit.  Forbit, in turn, asked her to shave.

Shawna might've done something harsh in response, like asked Forbit to change his name to something less incredibly fucking stupid, but she didn't.  Instead she quietly, sadly, shaved her pubic hair.

That was this morning.  You've clung to the hairs, which settled on Shawna's bathroom floor, since.  As time drifts by, you'll realize that there's no way you'll be able to survive long enough to find a new host, particularly a host with as abundant a pubic mass as Shawna.  So you'll do what mites always do.

You'll emit a nearly imperceptible keening song that tears at the heart of anyone who listens to it.

It will be imperceptible to human ears, and no one will be home, but some silverfish in the walls will catch parts of your ditty and be very, very touched.  Of course, it won't keep you from dying.

Enjoy non-existence!

Congratulations Thousands of Mites!

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Super Nerd Sundays Presents: Sanctum 2 with Other People!



Last week I wrote about Sanctum 2 roughly a day before something amazing, something momentous, something mellifluous, happened.  I wrote about Sanctum before I played it with other people.

A refresher: Sanctum 2 is, in and of itself, a perfectly enjoyable "in the thick of it" style tower defense game where players can, if they so choose, climb right into the middle of combat and throw their weight around, or snipe from afar, or leap back and forth.  Whatever you choose, Sanctum requires tower construction on some level: its maps are mostly wide open spaces, and when they're not they present cute little natural chokes just begging to be cut off by a well placed tower base (read as "wall").  All of this tower building business is complicated by limited resources, a very limited number of inventory slots (ONLY FOUR KINDS OF TOWERS?!), power-ups that can be selected, multiple "classes" and shuffling secondary weapons.  Oh, and levels that iteratively alter the game's mechanics in a way that makes it harder and harder for a lone player to manage until, finally, at the end of things, you reach levels where you're asked to defend multiple approaches leading to a single node-entity with extremely limited resources, and it becomes readily apparent that Sanctum 2, especially at its highest levels, it meant to be a game played with friends.

So how does Sanctum 2 manage that relationship?  It can't just throw people into the mix and throw out more baddies - that would make the game almost unplayable as it scales up, and fundamentally shift the mechanics of the towers in a way that eliminates the usefulness of such wonderful bits of design as "The Violator."  Likewise, it can't just let four super tough space-bros/ladies play through waves together - that would make the game way, way too easy, a la Iron Brigade.  Sanctum's solution is ingenious.

Players don't share resources. The first player to join a game receives all of the tower bases for the team, and gets to throw them around.  Then each player starts with the normal amount of starting resources.  At the end of each round, each player receives a share of resources, including tower bases and credits, so they can build new stuff.  They can spread them around however they like, and if they really cock it up other players can pull up their buildings and repurpose the materials therein.  It makes for a potentially passive-aggressive play system, but the end result is that there are a shitload of towers in the world, and that everyone gets to build something somewhere.  Towers, in general, aren't actually anywhere near as tough as a single player, however; in fact, in most of my single player games, I'm doing more damage than all my towers combined, and I'm getting more kills.

I'm kind of a big deal in single player.

Less so in multiplayer games.  In multiplayer games, damage scales to the overall player count.  That assault rifle that was doing 2100 damage per crit in single player won't be breaking 800 when two of your buddies are in game with you.  I couldn't tell if you towers undergo a similar tune-down, or if enemies just have higher damage thresholds; that's kind of an academic debate, in my mind.  The point is that more people build more stuff and do less damage per person. It's a brilliant stroke of design, one that simultaneously forces cooperation to occur while also alleviating the pressure on individual players.  It's a strange mechanic, one that increases the importance of communicating and cooperating without decreasing the necessity of individual participation (particularly when tower resistant enemies or enemies who require a weak-spot tickling appear) in each round.

It also changes the resource bottleneck of the game.  In the single player modes, I often find myself running out of money to build towers, but I've often got plenty of tower bases, more than I know what to do with.  In multiplayer play, it's quite the opposite: I was discussing, then arguing, with friends about how best to channel enemies through our base-system, rationing out tower bases and carefully trying to complete walls that seemed to be creeping up at a snail's pace compared to how they pop up in single player.  But the towers!  There hasn't been a map, aside from perhaps the first one after the tutorial, where we didn't max out our tower supply.  Likewise, most of the games that we played after maxing out our tower supply ended with us standing next to a massive array of maxed out towers that were, in turn, just eating up our money as we put our towers into "overcharge" mode.

It was a bit odd, but the effect was pleasant: the kinetic rush of smacking down enemies in the nitty gritty, popping their corpses and chaining explosions with other enemies in turn, transformed into a more passive rush of creation: rather than watching lumes blow up, I was watching towers grow up, then grow up way past where I thought they could ever be.  I felt like a proud new dad who was watching his weird kids become adults.  I also felt like my friends, who were both getting their feet wet in the game and demonstrating dramatically different learning curves, paces and interest foci, were never lost by what was going on, even though the mechanics they were being asked to consider were expanding rapidly.  There was enough to do, enough to play around with, and enough of a safety net to account for mistakes without completely removing the stakes behind play: players can die, they can fuck up, the node can get smacked, but the structures can bounce back.

The end result is a series of game mechanics that simultaneously exist as a framework for fun, individual exploratory play and involved, collaborative, cooperative play.  There aren't many co-op games that manage the latter: Left4Dead, obviously, is a great one, Dawn of War II's Last Stand system is another.  Call of Duty's Zombie minigame does it to some extent, but it does so, partially, by making the penalty for minor fuck-ups cataclysmic.  That's where Sanctum 2 differs from other co-op experiences: there's no sense of pressure, no vector of blame directed at the weaker players.  If you fuck up in Sanctum 2, it's a deeply personal experience.  You miss an important shot, you biff a dodge and get smacked by a Walker Warrior.  Your punishment, your shame, is all internal.  Your buddies don't hear about you dying, they just keep fighting, keep working through it.  In Left4Dead, you'll be shouted down for "fucking up the mission" and in Last Stand you'd be excoriated for breaking the survival multiplier, but in Sanctum, you're just moving out of the fight briefly, watching your friends struggle without you.  There's nothing aggressive about it, nothing that actually enforces any kind of external penalty for errors.  Sanctum gets it: it knows you know what you did, and it's going to let you sit and think about it, but it's not going to lose its shit.  It thinks you're smart enough to feel bad on your own.

The implications of Sanctum 2's co-op mechanics don't readily manifest as something that can be transposed to other game systems, unfortunately.  There's something about the specific risk-reward of both tower defense games and Sanctum's particular approach to the genre that strikes me as difficult to translate.  Something about the frenetic pace, the parsimonious resources and the long, idling set-up periods all coming together make Sanctum 2 very, very singular.  Even Orcs Must Die 2, which has a similar notion of pacing and development to it, lacks Sanctum's oomph (not to mention its beyond-two-player cooperative mechanics).  Will Sanctum 2 generate a new era of cooperative games that consider learning curves, learning systems, and multiple threads of progression in their generation of mechanics?  Will Sanctum 2 lead to the development of more co-op games where casual and obsessive players can stand side by side, fight off round after round of critters and then high five at the end?

Time will tell, but I'd certainly like to see a tower defense renaissance or a co-op renaissance develop around this undervalued gem of a game.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Congratulations Terrible Beatnik!



"WAAA WAAA WEEEE WOOO!" you'll shout into the room.  "ABLEE DOO BLAH DAAAAA!" you'll follow up.

No one will snap their fingers in response.

"Get it," you'll ask the room, removing your hat and pointing to your head.  "Like, up in here?"

A man in the front row will shake his head.  It will be clear that, while he gets it, he doesn't dig it.

"C'mon, don't be squares!" you'll shout at the audience.  They'll shrug in response; the thought of you calling them squares leaves them, at best, nonplussed.  At worst, it might make them moderately irritated.

"Okay," you'll announce to the audience.  "I get it."

You'll open the velvet lined case that you placed on a stool next to you and remove an antique Luger pistol from it.  Then you'll put the pistol to your head.

"Like, whatever," you'll announce to the crowd before pulling the trigger.

The bullet will pass through your temple, into your skull.  Projective force will shatter the bone in front of the bullet, clearing the way for it to enter the cavity of your skull proper.  From there, the bullet will travel into your brain, where it will sever a number of neural pathways and generally fuck shit up.  The jelly-like mass will be distorted and displaced by both the bullet's mass and the force of its movement, and so the pathways that aren't severed will be so severely discombobulated as to prevent any sort of normalized function.  When it's done in there, the bullet will exit through the other side of your skull, taking a great deal of the bone that usually keeps all that now-discombobulated jelly inside your head with it.

You'll tumbled to the ground, bleeding profusely from the wound in your head.

The crowd will snap their fingers at you unenthusiastically as the janitor approaches with a broom in hand.

Congratulations Terrible Beatnik!

Friday, November 22, 2013

Congratulations Nomadic Fart Salesman!



From the Tiber to Timbuktu, you wander the wastes of The World After the Cataclysm, selling your wares.  Your wares are, of course, farts.

Perhaps we should explain.

When The World That Was fell, the World After the Cataclysm had no need for its old currency, its futile, feeble monies.  But something needed to rise, so people started farting in jars and trading those fart filled jars for hard goods and services.  A rug might cost two translucent farts or one somewhat opaque fart.  A gallon jug of water might be worth a single weak reedy bean fart.  Steak farts fetch a high price.

As a fart trader, you carry farts and various goods that you can trade for other farts across the wastes.  You make a decent living, and you rarely have to rape anyone, so it suits you well.

Today you're going to be attacked by bandits.

"AHH!" you'll scream as bullets riddle your caravan wagon (a Dodge Caravan pulled by oxen), destroying your fart jars.  When all is said and done, you'll be bleeding out in the middle of the Sahara, the scent of farts heavy in the air.  You'll catch a snippet of conversation from the dunes as one of the bandits, the leader maybe, beats one of his men, shouting "You ruined the loot, fool."  Knowing that your death caused some sort of internal strife for your murders will be cold comfort, barely any comfort at all, really.

Congratulations Nomadic Fart Salesman!

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Congratulations Human Stretch Armstrong!



You'll tell your friends it's cool as they hook you up between two trucks.

"The gypsy woman said I could do it," you'll explain.

"It seems like we should test it first," Steve, the reasonable one, will postulate.

"FUCK YOU STEVE!" everyone, yourself included, will respond.

Then they'll rev up the motors, get the trucks in gear.  They'll start driving, slow at first.  The pain will be agonizing, but the gypsy woman didn't say anything about making the process of being stretched out by cars pleasant, she just said you'd be able to endure it.  As the cars accelerate the pressure will increase, as will your pain.  Your arms will dislocate from your sockets, increasing their length slightly - you'll interpret this as the gypsy woman's spell working, so you'll shout:

"IT'S WORKING!"

Everyone will holler back, "FUCK YEAH!"

Except Steve, he'll just throw up his hands and call 9-1-1.

After the fuck yeah the cars will torque a little harder and you'll stretch a little more, just a tiny bit, but not too much before your body starts to tear.  It'll happen at your wrists, right where the ropes are tied.  They'll pull and burn and you, in a few seconds, will be reduced to whimpering as you bleed out of two stumps where your hands used to be, as your friends drag you behind a pick-up truck cheering, as you realize, under the sudden rush of adrenaline, that perhaps referring to homeless women as "gypsy women" isn't a particularly good idea and, at the very least, isn't a terribly nice one.

Congratulations Human Stretch Armstrong!